Speed Dating With Men I Would Never Date in a Million Years

As you may know, I recently attended a speed dating activity at church. Normally this is not my thing and I would have scoffed at such a lame activity (I think I actually have before) but I guess I decided I needed to get out of the house and meet people because I'm not going to meet Mr. Right watching re-runs of Glee and Lost in my jammies...sadly. It would be super cool if I did, because then we could just sit around in our jammies and watch Glee and Lost all the time and neither one of us would mind but anyways, back to the real world.

So for this activity, I went along with my two favorite Eri(ck)a's in the whole world: Porter and Torgerson. Initially the plan for this activity was to have two speed dating circles going, one for ages 31-49 and one for 50-death. There was just one little problem: there were lots of 31-49 women and few 31-49 men and there were lots of 50-death men and few 50-death women...so they combined us all. Super. But I still had hopes that I might at least get to spend 4 minutes with someone that I had something in common with that was at least within a 10 year age range from my own. (Caution: Spoiler Alert-That never happened.)

Okay, so here's how this speed dating thing worked: The women sat in an inner circle which faced outward and the men sat in the outer circle which faced inward and they rotated every 4 minutes while the women stayed where they were. I was asked an array of questions and when I reciprocated the question back to them, I got some super interesting answers. I mean I'll probably be stalking these guys on fb wishing we could get married someday. In all fairness though some of my answers were kind of lame and awkward and I wouldn't doubt it if they are telling their friends funny stories about me. Anyways, here's how it went:

First category: Animals
I was asked an array of animal questions oddly because Porter and Torgerson were not asked any and they were sitting on either side of me. I guess I just look like an animal lover.

Question: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Me: Ummm...maybe a dog because they are most loved by people (lame, I know...who wants to be a dog? Sorry, it just spewed forth)
Them: A dolphin because I just love the ocean and also dolphins are very intelligent.

Question: What animal or animals best describe you?
Me: Uhhhh...a cat I guess because they're pretty low key and come to you when they want attention. (Again lame, now I am the crazy cat lady.)
Them: I'm a cross between a hawk and a zebra. A hawk because I'm always aware of what is going on around me and a zebra because some people see a zebra as white with black stripes and some people see it as black with white stripes and everyone has their own opinions of me but I don't really care, I am what I am.

Question: Do you have any pets? (This was asked several times, so there are several responses)
Scenario 1:
Me: Yes, I have two cats.
Them: Oh, I bet you have no mice then.
Me: Uhhh...no my cats don't catch mice...they're not the mice catching kind
Them: Oh....
Me: (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid answer!)

Scenario 2:
Me: Yes, I have two cats. Do you have any pets?
Them: No, I have 3 kids.

Scenario 3:
Me: Yes, I have two cats. Do you have any pets?
Them: Well, I did but it just recently died.
Me: Oh, what kind of animal was it?
Them: A potbelly pig.
Me: Seriously?
Them: Yeah.
Me: Do you mind if I ask you a question that may or may not offend you, but did you have it slaughtered? (Could I be more idiotic?)
Them: Oh no, it was a family pet.

Scenario 4:
Me: Yes, I have two cats.
Them: Would you be willing to trade them for a smelly guy?
Me: Uhhhhh.....er.....
Them: It's okay you can be honest.
Me: Uhhhh...maybe?

Second Category: Job
For some there was no job and for some they actually did something besides engineer or software designer.

Question: What do you do for a living?

Scenario 1:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I'm a carpenter...like my older brother.

Scenario 2:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I'm retired.

Scenario 3:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I load and unload baggage from planes at the airport.
Me: Oh, cool. Do you ever have anybody's bags that just pop open and their stuff goes flying everywhere?
Them: Well, if someone doesn't claim their luggage and there's no tag on it, they take it out to the tarmac and blow it up.
Me: (Wha??) Oh...neat.

Third Category: Hobbies

Question: What kinds of books do you like to read?
Me: Historical fiction is my favorite but I read a variety of different genres.
Them: Sci-fi/Fantasy (I got this answer at least 3 different times)

Question: What do you like to do for fun?
Me: Read, travel, hang out with family and friends.
Them: Uhhhhh......

So, yeah, that was the main gist of the evening. I did meet a few men who were nice and interesting but they didn't seem too interested after 4 minutes either because of our age difference or some other reason. I probably said something stupid and weird to scare them off. Maybe if I keep going to these things, the age gap will lessen and when I'm about 45 or 50, I'll meet someone just as awkward and weird as me.

1, 2, 3, 4, I Declare A Rodent War!

Yes folks, that is what it has come to here on Maple Drive...war! You have already heard the story about Peter the Possum and how he was scared off with the stealth tactics of our resident human. He has never been seen again, but today I am here to tell you that the War Against Rodents is still raging. We are gaining ground on Manny the Squirrel and today we have won the battle with Ronnie the Rat. I will begin tonight's briefing with the evidence against Manny the Squirrel and then move on to the more serious crimes of Ronnie the Rat.

Okay, here we have Manny the Squirrel. Notice how his mouth is half open and his stance suggests that he is ready to pounce. He's not after the humans...he's after the White Fluffy...the cat that is twice his size and completely oblivious to his existence even though he is chattering constantly at her.

Manny has made his presence widely known in the The Backyard by doing the following:

Eating every pecan in the tree and spitting the shells on the deck in little bits for three days straight. Our resident human swept them up faithfully each day as is evidenced by the pile off to the side but Manny was insistent that he get ALL of the pecans and did not give up until he had successfully stowed them at undisclosed locations for the upcoming winter.

Taking some of the afore mentioned pecans and "hiding" them in the potted plants on the deck.

Bravely coming down from the tree in broad daylight.

Turning and seeing White Fluffy.

And realizing White Fluffy is behind a glass door and no longer poses a threat to him.

I am sorry to say that Ronnie the Rat is not as cute as Manny. He's much more brave and bold when it comes to meeting White Fluffy but has successfully evaded our resident human...until today. I have graciously posted no photographic evidence of Ronnie, but we do have a first hand account from a very reliable source:

"Well, I didn't know Ronnie was hanging around the house...I didn't even know he existed until one day I went to feed the cat and when I picked up the bag of food, cat food started falling out the bottom. Something had chewed a hole in the bottom of the bag...I knew right away it was a mouse (I found out later it was something MUCH worse!). I didn't want to believe it was true. I tried to think of a million other things it could be, but it didn't work. About a week later I was in bed and the cat was in bed with me when I heard something digging around in her food dish. The very next night I heard the ripping of paper coming from the kitchen. The brand new bag of cat food! I left it sitting on the floor! I tried to sneak up on what I thought was a mouse but it was too fast and it got away before I could get a glimpse of it. I knew I had to face my problem head on and call Terminator the Exterminator to get rid of it once and for all. Terminator came out today and set a trap in Ronnie's favorite closet (the hot water heater closet). When I got home 6 hours later, I took a peek inside the closet and there was Ronnie with his...head...stuck...I can't talk about it anymore...I'm probably going to have nightmares for a week!"

And there you have it folks...the war rages on but we will be victorious!

*Please do not be concerned for our resident human. We will be sending Terminator the Exterminator out tomorrow on a Priority 1 mission to dispose of Ronnie's dead carcass.*

My Little Booger

Okay, I don't even know how to start this blog except with this picture:

If it isn't bad enough that we have cloned sheep, cows, and horses, we are now cloning dogs. As if there aren't enough dogs in this world already. Anyone who has ever watched The Price Is Right knows that you need to have your pet spayed or neutered to help control the pet population, so why are we cloning animals that we have an overabundance of, that we build homeless shelters for, and that run around starving? Take a look at that picture again. It's because of crazy people like Bernann McKinney who loved her dog so much that she sold her house and traveled to Seoul, South Korea to clone it not once, not twice, but 5 times. Not to mention that her dog's name was Booger. I had a cat named Booger, and I'm not ashamed of it, but lady, you are nuts! My brother named that cat as a joke. She wants to build a place to train dogs or something like that and call it "Booger's Place" in honor of her dead dog.

Then, she tells us that it is a miracle from God that she has these puppies. God gave them to her.

And here is what she said, "I dream of the day when everyone can afford to clone their pet because losing a pet is a terrible, terrible loss."

I am just at a loss for words about what I think about this. Can you help me out? What is it I need to say? I am still in shock from this story. You can watch the 5 minute video from the MSN homepage or following this link.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26087293/?GT1=43001

I just don't have the words...

Are Ya With Me?

So the theme for this blog will be my adventures in house hunting. Just so you know, I have found something and it is super duper cute but I am not going to post a picture or give you all the details just yet. I feel like I would be jinxing myself or something. It has happened extremely fast and has gone pretty much perfectly so I'm standing by because I know I'm going to have to pay my dues in trials and tribulations soon. Not that I'm trying to be pessimistic or miscount my blessings or anything, but I'm just not used to getting blessings for free. So pics and details will come when things are set in stone and I have fully signed my life away.

Okay, so lets use Elmer Fudd hunting as a metaphor for house hunting. You know how he always says, "Be vewy vewy quite. We are hunting wabbits!" or some nonsense like that? Well, this is how it went with house hunting: "Be vewy vewy qui--bang! Got it!" Yep, that fast. I looked at the house for the first time a week ago today. See why I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall?

My realtor is...interesting. First of all, I found my house, it was the first one I looked at, and I fell in love immediately. So all she has done really is the paperwork for which I will gladly pay her because I hate not only paperwork, but paper as well (including copy machines and sometimes printers). God invented computers for a reason and that reason is not so we can print off everything that we see on the computer. I'm just sayin'.
She also has this saying: "Are ya with me?" She'll say it after she explains something but leaves off the end. Like I'm supposed to guess what comes next or what she is meaning (which I rarely do but I always say yes so she won't go into further "Are ya with me?"s that will only confuse me more). After she says "Are ya with me?" she leans forward just a smidge and stares at me with her mouth half open and after a 2 second pause, she starts to nod her head like she sees that I understand. It's very odd behavior. I really wish someone was there to witness this with me, but alas, this is my burden to carry alone and you can all join in the fun when everything is finalized.

I ran into Ben today. He's gone a bit grizzly since our last encounter on Mother's Day. I was walking across the parking lot and I passed him. I didn't recognize him with his facial hair, but he said hello to me and asked me how I was and then turned around and walked with me claiming that he forgot where he parked (we have parking spaces on both sides of our building and he remembered that he parked in the other one so he had to go back through the building to the other side). He asked me how school was to which I replied that it was fine but it was also summer (which many many people forget...I don't know how you could forget that it is summer when it is 100 plus degrees and you literally start baking once you step outside, but people do). He then told me that he was going to go back to school to study law (last time it was oceanography) to which I replied "Great." and kept walking. We exchanged a few more pleasantries and then I said goodbye and went down my hall to my apartment door and he went the other way to the parking lot.
I'm gonna miss my interesting neighbors. I'll do a little spying when I move so I'll have something fun to blog about.

Oh, and my realtor gave me bumps today. You know, like fist bumps. I wasn't quite sure what to do when she put her fist in front of me. I guessed she wanted bumps, and luckily I guessed right. And it wasn't just one bump, it was three. Three bumps. I think she thought we got a good deal with the house.

And, (one more thing about the realtor) I told her I had a cat and for some reason she got in her head a picture of me with a glass of tea on the backporch with Millie whom she affectionately calls "Kitty". "Oh I can just picture you and Kitty out here after work drinking your glass of tea." "I can see that you're tired. You've been at work all day. You get home to Kitty and think about blah blah blah." "And Kitty can have her chair here." It's just too funny when she talks about Kitty that I don't have the heart to tell her that not only do I not drink tea but my cat gets no preferential treatment. "Kitty" has to fight for attention with the computer, my phone, the TV, an entire bookshelf of great literature, and my love of sleeping in.

HOLY FREAKING COW! I'M BUYING A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

Have You Ever?

I know it's been a little while since I posted something new, or even interesting, or even funny, but life for me in the summer can get...well old, uninteresting, and boring. I LOVE IT! However, that might mean that my blogs are fewer and farer in betweener. However again, it's also going to be fun seeing what adventures pop up during the summer...hee-hee-hee.

Okay, so for this blog, I thought we could all play a game. It's called Have You Ever. Everyone knows this game...someone tells an of an experience that has happened to them and the people who are present and participating make it known if they have or have not had the same experience in some form or fashion. Personally I really don't like this game...it usually causes embarrassment for me or awkwardness for other unfortunate souls. Fortunately, I am hiding behind a computer screen and therefore will be a little more bold in my have-you-evers. And fortunately for you, you have a choice of whether or not to participate or observe with no one giving you looks like you are a party pooper or an over-sharer. So here goes...and by the way, all of these things really happened to me this past week...yay!

Have you ever looked at a picture and thought shallow, petty, mean thoughts about the person in the photograph only to realize a second later that it is a picture of you 10 years ago?
I went with my mom on Wednesday to pick up about 15 rolls of film that she found when cleaning and as I was looking through pictures taken at Christmas 10 years ago, I thought "Who is that sitting in the corner? She looks like a man. That is an awful sweater. Very unfortunate for her...oh...that's me." Why didn't anyone tell me I looked so awful? How grateful I am to my girlie-girl friends who have instilled in me at least a small amount of fashion sense in the last 10 years!

Have you ever sat next to someone in church and their breath was so foul that you had to look away to breathe while singing a hymn?
Yeah, it was really that bad today in Relief Society. Four verses never seemed so long...

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night and had to pee so bad you thought you might wet yourself but then were so tired that you fell back asleep?
No, I didn't wet the bed. I'm a pro at holding it...any teacher (or former teacher) is.

Have you ever mourned the absence of a vegetable?
I'd really like to have a word with the person or persons that ruined all my tomatoes...seriously! I'm dying here because you decided to relieve yourself in the fields and not even rinse your hands off! No, I'm not sick, I just really really really really really miss tomatoes.

Have you ever made something and instead of eating it fresh, put it in the fridge because you knew it would be better the next day?
Buitoni ravioli and marinara sauce...Target...soooooo good!!!!

Have you ever had to try to explain to someone that you don't want to go to an activity because you don't want to be a part of their social group?
I have had 3 e-mails, 1 phone call, 2 personal invitations, and 1 paper invitation to this stinkin' prom event...

Have you ever had to wash your hair 3 times to get it clean?
I went to a water park yesterday and while I am very proud that I managed to have fun AND avoid a sunburn, my hair was so incredibly disgusting when I got home last night. Even now, it still doesn't feel clean. *shiver*

And that concludes our festivities for tonight... :)

I'm Just Sayin'

In the Twilight movie, I am not pleased with who was cast for Jasper. I heart Jasper...I really, really do but this guy they have playing him just...looks...gay. See for yourself.

He's on the far right. Green shirt, black jacket. Gay.

Looks like a girl.

Notice how they put him all blurry in the back? (He's the one in the white coat.)










Boys are not supposed to rat their hair!










Alice and Jasper don't even match. Ugh!

So what do you all think? Am I alone in my opinions that Jasper was mis-cast? I just always pictured him as quiet but fierce and dashingly handsome. I mean he was a Civil War soldier for crying out loud! He lived with the toughest and meanest vampires and trained them to be soldiers. I guess I'm just going to have to close my eyes and picture Jasper the way I want him to be when he comes on the big screen. *sigh*

I Have My Reasons

I have my reasons for not ever wanting to live in Utah. It's not that I think Utah is a bad place or anything and I'm not trying to knock the Utahns but if I had a choice (and I do thank you very much), I would not live there. Here's why:

The street you live on, the street behind you, and the street in front of you are your entire ward. I need a little space. I need a lot of space. I don't like people all up in my bid-ness all the time.

Women take their baby strollers EVERYWHERE. The skating rink, for instance is no place for a baby stroller.

No handrails at the skating rink...I ran into the wall a lot.

Play-sure. May-sure. Tray-sure.

I still get horrified when I hear about serial killers and sick psychos in Utah. It's naive and completely untrue I know, but I still have it in the back of my head somewhere that Utahns are perfect, church going, kind, Christlike Mormons...all of them.

The dryness. I was thirsty the ENTIRE weekend.

One of the members of the bishopric bore his testimony Sunday that ketchup and grape jelly makes the best barbecue sauce. It took everything I had to not stand up right then and call that man to repentance for preaching false doctrine from the pulpit. I did, however, sit there and stare at him while shaking my head back and forth.

On the other hand, here are a few reasons why I could live in Utah:

Mountains.

No crab grass.

My sister and her adorable babies.

The minute I stepped off the plane at DFW, my pores immediately clogged up and my face did it's favorite trick: Insta-grease.

So that's all...the end.

Buncha Money Grubbin' Good Fer Nuthin' Publicists

Okay, so many of you (well, now all of you) know that Stephenie Meyer is coming to the Dallas area in May for a book signing and to promote her new book The Host. If you know me at all, you know that no amount of words will portray my excitement and therefore I shall not blog about it, but I shall blog about her money grubbin' "people" (you know, like my people will get in touch with your people kinda thing).

In order to get a book signed, you have to follow these 3 *ahem* easy steps.

1) Call the B&N that is hosting the book signing so that you can put your name on a list to reserve her new book.

2) Show up at (or before) 7am on a Tuesday and buy her new book and receive a ticket to the signing.

3) Come back the following Saturday with your ticket and stand in line again and get your book signed.

There are however, a few stipulations that you have to follow:

Only the first 1000 people will be able to get a ticket to the book signing.

She will only personalize her new book and she will only sign 2 other books.

No pictures.

No signing of anything except books.

Can you picture it?

Get away from Stephenie! Don't touch her with your filthy hands and your claims that you love her work! She can't sign that for you! What are thinking? She can't write your name in THAT book! It would take an extra .00000001 of a second and if everyone wanted the same priviledge it would hold up the entire book signing for an extra 2 minutes! You didn't buy her new book? Get out of the line! Get out!

Whatever.

So have I reserved my book? Yes.

Will I play hookey on May 6th? Yes.

Will I play hookey on May 10th? Yes.

Will I get my book signed? You dang well better believe it!

I really need to move

This is the "grassy" area right outside my bedroom window where Ben has been reported to be seen tromping around. I am a little concerned as you might guess that it is not live grass anymore but dead grass. Notice how it is neatly contained in this area and the deadness does not spread outside the fence, nor does it go past the tree. I think Ben is trying to poison me by putting deadly chemicals in the ground that will seep into my bedroom so that when I walk around barefoot, the skin on the bottom of my feet will absorb these deadly chemicals (probably Anthrax) and in turn poison me. And I bet he has the secret antidote and is fantasizing that I will get sick and he will be the only one to save me with it. Ugh! I so do not want to be saved by creepy Ben. I am NOT walking barefoot in my bedroom anymore.

Care Bears Stare!

Question:

If you were a Care Bear, what would be on your tummy?

What do you think would be on my tummy? I haven't found my brain yet so I can't think of anything.

For the Mommas and Mommas To Be

Okay, sometimes we just come across something that really makes us laugh. Tonight, I came across about 5 different things, so it was a good night for me. This one really took the cake though:

http://hiccupmel.blogspot.com/2008/02/sick-of-sick-time-to-laugh.html

Deep Thoughts by Rhia Jean

Okay, so maybe they aren't really DEEP thoughts, they are more like RANDOM thoughts. So here are a few things that I have been contemplating blogging on but the thought doesn't go beyond one sentence. If there are any of these that you feel need to be expanded on, please let me know and I will attempt a full-on blog. :)

I think seat warmers were inspired of God.

Nothing helps to heal a broken heart like a nice big juicy steak...or a hamburger...or just red meat in general...except for pot roast...that might induce it...okay, just steaks and burgers.

It is completely unnecessary to come to a full stop when you are trying to turn a corner. In fact, it's in my top 10 list of the most annoying things.

Nutty bars should be a food group.

If I take something to a potluck, I try to take it in a disposable dish. That way when it is time to go, I don't have to go back and see that no one has eaten any of my food.

Sometimes I live in denial.

My BFF is the best BFF and there ain't no other BFF like my BFF!

I LOVE the flash forwards on Lost because it is like I get to read the last page first (which is how I read books:)

Girls, when you have to go to Auto Zone or Discount Tire or any auto mechanic shop, I have found that the best way to keep from getting duped is pretending like it is the single most annoying thing you have had to do in 20 years and the person helping you is an idiot. See, guys pick up on these clues and if you send the vibe that you are NOT to be messed with, they most likely will not even attempt it.

Stop signs should be optional when there are no other cars around.

Why does my cat meow to the back of the chair? Does she think it will answer? Is she trying to make me jealous of the chair?

For some games, cheating is not wrong...it's a merely another strategy to win.

Sometimes I purposely set myself up for disappointment by checking my e-mail 4 to 5 times a day.

Christmas time is the only time that we purposely stress ourselves out under the guise of peace and joy.

Okay, that is all I have for now. I will end with one of my favorite Arrested Development quotes:

Michael (to his son George Michael): What is the one thing that should always come before everything else?

George Michael: Breakfast?

Michael: Family.

George Michael: Oh, right family. Yeah.

Maybe someday...

Maybe someday my dishes won't rattle in the cupboards when the people upstairs walk around.
Maybe someday I won't have to hike 500 miles across a parking lot because all of the good spots are taken.
Maybe someday I'll have a valentine.
Maybe someday I'll fix the hole in my convertible top.
Maybe someday I'll have closets and storage space.
Maybe someday my cats won't fight with each other.
Maybe someday Jim and Pam and Michael and Dwight will make me laugh again.
Maybe someday I'll get to go back to Europe.
Maybe someday I'll be finished with my masters degree.
Maybe someday I'll run another marathon.
Maybe someday all of my debt will be paid off and I'll have my whole paycheck to myself.
Maybe someday I'll read all the books on my bookshelf.
Maybe someday my BFF will move back to Dallas.
Maybe someday I'll have a house.
Maybe someday I'll get to work early.
Maybe.......