Thursday, May 8, 2008

I Have My Reasons

I have my reasons for not ever wanting to live in Utah. It's not that I think Utah is a bad place or anything and I'm not trying to knock the Utahns but if I had a choice (and I do thank you very much), I would not live there. Here's why:

The street you live on, the street behind you, and the street in front of you are your entire ward. I need a little space. I need a lot of space. I don't like people all up in my bid-ness all the time.

Women take their baby strollers EVERYWHERE. The skating rink, for instance is no place for a baby stroller.

No handrails at the skating rink...I ran into the wall a lot.

Play-sure. May-sure. Tray-sure.

I still get horrified when I hear about serial killers and sick psychos in Utah. It's naive and completely untrue I know, but I still have it in the back of my head somewhere that Utahns are perfect, church going, kind, Christlike Mormons...all of them.

The dryness. I was thirsty the ENTIRE weekend.

One of the members of the bishopric bore his testimony Sunday that ketchup and grape jelly makes the best barbecue sauce. It took everything I had to not stand up right then and call that man to repentance for preaching false doctrine from the pulpit. I did, however, sit there and stare at him while shaking my head back and forth.

On the other hand, here are a few reasons why I could live in Utah:

Mountains.

No crab grass.

My sister and her adorable babies.

The minute I stepped off the plane at DFW, my pores immediately clogged up and my face did it's favorite trick: Insta-grease.

So that's all...the end.

7 comments:

Alison said...

I couldn't live in Utah because I would need the space, like you said, from my ward.

I couldn't live in Utah because I do NOT want to be caught in the middle of my two oldest sisters' dra-ma.

I would live in Utah because of the lack of bugs--heaven!

I would live in Utah because of the insane selection of Halloween decorations. Yes, people up there and I have the same love of the devil's holiday. It's greatness. hehe. :)

R Matthew Ware said...

I've been suffering from lack of Rhia. Now all is well :)

It was nice as a missionary to have such small wards. It made walking easier, but then, you'd have a whole stake (sometimes two) to cover most of the time. And I bet the nonmembers just LOVE the fact that all their Mormon neighbors know that they're not members, and that they avoid them BECAUSE they're the few nonmembers on the block.

I was in SLC when Elizabeth Smart was abducted, and when she was found. I was even one of the ones that went out to find her, though we ended up being miles from where she was being hid. There's lots of crazies in Utah still.

The lack of humidity helped with all the walking. It was actually easier to walk miles and miles there than in KC just because it was so dry. But you'd better keep some water with you, and soda was a no no.

We actually told a stake president that we, as missionaries, get nervous when we have investigators at church on fast Sunday because you never know what someone's going to say. (They seem to have issues with bearing testimonies and instead bearing thank-imonies, miss-imonies, or i'msingleandlooking-monies. Then there's the false doctrine, which is just wonderful to an investigator.) A few weeks later at a sacrament meeting, a member of the stake presidency was there, giving a talk and telling the congregation what a testimony is and isn't. He even included the fact that the full time missionaries had said we were nervous about bringing investigators. We were glad about the help, but a little nervous about the members.

I very much miss the mountains. One of the things I noticed coming back to KC was looking out across the horizon, and seeing it end, and thinking it so strange that there were no mountains. I also missed the way you could tell the season by where the sun set across the western mountains. Ahh.....

But I'm glad not to live there. In SLC, everything is about the church, or at least the members. It seems every issue comes down to what the church is or isn't doing. It's nice living in a place where you don't have to be on guard all the time to defend the church, where being a member isn't looked down on as much by people.

But I'd go back to visit.

R Matthew Ware said...

Alison: My favorite holiday is Halloween. Isn't that weird?

Emily Anne said...

I would move to Utah if Heavenly Father told me to, but I wouldn't go quietly or very willingly. I just don't ever want to be one of those Utah Mormons. I have witnessed first hand some strangeness from Utah and don't ever want to be like that. Plus, I like living in a place where I, as a member of the church, am the major minority.

The Patton Family said...

Hey! Utah is COOL!! I "heart" it as you and my sis would say!! :) I thought it was so funny when we decided to move to Vegas, there were people in UT that ACTUALLY told us we were going to move our children to such an evil place. Apparentlly they never watched the news in SLC to know that there are murderers, rapest, druggies, and teens having sex all over the place! Geez! Glad you had fun though! I can't wait to go there next month....get to see the sis too! YAY!!!

Erica said...

Sister Johnson.....I couldn't live in Utah because I'm not spirit-chal enough.

And what that bishop said about ketchup and jelly being barbeque sauce could get him excommunicated if not lynched down here. Much less the fact that it was a taste-i-mony. The spirit could not testify and communicate with mine if I heard that blasphemy.

I have already had the confirmation that KC Masterpiece is the only true BBQ sauce.

R Matthew Ware said...

Woohoo! Go KC Masterpiece!