Snowman Zombies!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the other day, DFW got dumped on by the Snow Gods. Yay! It was so fun! Most TX children's experiences with snow are watching the flakes fall and then melt. Sometimes it sticks and then they can build and miniature snowman that is comprised of 50% snow and 50% dirt and leaves. But this week was different! In my backyard, I got 6 inches of snow and in places further north, they got more. So what does everyone do when it snows that much? Of course we go out and build snowmen! And if you looked outside yesterday it was a winter wonderland with snowmen galore. But today, after things had started thawing out, their true colors came shining through and it felt a bit ominous driving down the street with dismembered and disfigured snow people staring at you as if they had eaten all the people that lived in the house and if you got out of your car, you were next! So I took a few pics with my phone (I wasn't getting out of the car) so you'd believe me...

As if he's leaning back giving an evil laugh...

They look friendly but...

Lost his head...

Weeeee-yerd!

Those valentine hearts are a ruse...

The horror!!!!

I have more pics on my fb photo album titled Snowman Zombies. It makes me afraid to go outside...

The Advantages of Having A Cat That Likes You

So some of you may or may not know that I have recently acquired another feline child for my household. Oh crap...did I just say feline child? (cue crazy cat lady music now). Ok...weird. Anyways, my BFF Janette's cat Darcy didn't handle the whole baby-gets-more-attention-than-me situation and started doing naughty things such as peeing on baby's stuff. So one of them had to go and it wasn't the baby.

The only reason I accepted Darcy was because I knew Millie wouldn't issue an all out attack/assault like she did with the last poor homeless cat I took in since Millie and Darcy had been litterbox-mates when Janette and I lived together a few years back. As most or all of you know though, Millie can be...well...a satanic evil brat. For instance, she scratched me on my neck after I vacuumed her nasty cat bed and then tried to pick her up and put her on it. How could I be so cruel...

Darcy is a nice kitty though...and it's rather pleasant having a nice kitty that likes you 100% of the time. So, here are the advantages of having a cat that likes you (in no particular order):

1. Darcy has no claws, and you know how cats like to do that kneading thing? Well, if I lay on my stomach, Darcy will do that on my back. It's like getting a massage. Conclusion: cats that like you will give you a massage.

2. Darcy has gray hair and she sheds a lot. She sleeps with me and when I noticed the spot she was laying was starting to turn gray after a couple of days, I cleaned it and then put a towel on that spot. She always lays on the towel now. Conclusion: cats that like you know where their place is and stay there! (and they won't ruin your bedding)

3. Darcy comes when I call her. Conclusion: cats that like you come when you call them.

4. My backyard has somehow become Mecca for stray or outside cats in the neighborhood. If Darcy sees them through the back door, there is a moment of silence while she evaluates the threat and then if they get too close, she hisses and bats at the door. Conclusion: cats that like you will try to protect you, even if they have no claws.

5. If I pick Darcy up, she lets me hold her and then gently meows when she wants down. There is no flailing and panicking and scratching just because I picked her up. Seriously Millie, what do you think I'm going to do? Drop you? Cats land on their feet dum-dum! And really, after 12 years why can't I just pick you up? Ugh! Conclusion: cats that like you don't act like they are meeting their death just because you picked them up.

And just so you know I am not a crazy cat lady, when Millie dies, I will not have her creamated and put her ashes in a box to be displayed in the living room. She will be buried in the ground to give back to the earth all the grass that she eats and then promptly throws up.

Let's Just Get This Over And Done With

Last month started a season that comes around every so often. It brings with it new beginnings and a chance to start a new fresh part of your life. No, not Spring! Blah blah blah! Why would I blog about Spring? I'm talking about Wedding Season. I have already attended a reception, a wedding/reception, and a bridal shower so far this season. The two weeks after Valentine's Day, 5 people that I knew got engaged. Not just acquaintences, but people that I talk to on a regular basis. Now I know everything I'm about to say is going to come out sounding cynical and bitter, but I'm really not. I really am happy for my friends and family members who get married and I do want to be there as a witness of their special day, but each time the thought runs through my head, "Let's just get this over and done with already." I'm not talking about the wedding itself or even all the traditional festivities that go along with it. I'm talking about the part where people walk up to you and say things like, "You're next!", or "Sooooooo...how are things going? Anything...NEW????", or "We'll be doing this for you pretty soon.", or my favorite "I can't wait for YOU to get married." I'm not lying, it seriously makes me want to swing a shovel at their head...even if it's my closest family member. Instead I just give clipped one word answers and annoyed looks. I'm not sure if it has the same effect. But don't worry, I won't hit anyone with a shovel...they usually aren't available at weddings. Anyways, it's not that they are trying to be mean or anything. I know that. They do it out of love blah blah blah because they want me to be happy blah blah blah. So, just a word of advice for everyone, from the smug marrieds to the singletons, don't pester people about their relationship status. I mean, after I have just spilled my guts to you about how I bought a house, finished my master's degree, and took a trip to Forks, Washington, don't you think I would have mentioned my really hot super nice boyfriend if I had one? C'mon! Aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

Okay, that's all. Loveyoubye. :)

How Children Entertain Themselves At My House

Back in December, a couple of friends of mine (Emily and Matt...both avid readers of the blog) came to visit and brought me a present. They gave me...wait for it...a librarian action figure.* Who knew such things existed?!

Well, from the minute I opened it up, it has been displayed in my living room and is not only a funny conversation starter but apparently also a very engaging toy for children. Emily and Matt's son Will played with it constantly while they were here.

Now if you can remember back to your youth when you actually played with action figures, you will remember that getting them to stand on their own was a bit of a balancing act. It makes sense because obviously action figures are meant for action...not standing. And thus, my librarian spends most of her time lying on her side because if I do get her to stand on her own, she just falls down anyway. Not to mention all the books and the cart that she came with are constantly in a pile as well.

Well, Sunday my family had dinner at my house and after they left, this is what I found:

Somebody (probably one of my nephews) had put the cart and all the books back together and positioned the librarian in a perfect pose. It just made me giggle.

*I, in no way, shape, or form resemble the librarian action figure...just so that's clear. I'm much much cuter!

1, 2, 3, 4, I Declare A Rodent War!

Yes folks, that is what it has come to here on Maple Drive...war! You have already heard the story about Peter the Possum and how he was scared off with the stealth tactics of our resident human. He has never been seen again, but today I am here to tell you that the War Against Rodents is still raging. We are gaining ground on Manny the Squirrel and today we have won the battle with Ronnie the Rat. I will begin tonight's briefing with the evidence against Manny the Squirrel and then move on to the more serious crimes of Ronnie the Rat.

Okay, here we have Manny the Squirrel. Notice how his mouth is half open and his stance suggests that he is ready to pounce. He's not after the humans...he's after the White Fluffy...the cat that is twice his size and completely oblivious to his existence even though he is chattering constantly at her.

Manny has made his presence widely known in the The Backyard by doing the following:

Eating every pecan in the tree and spitting the shells on the deck in little bits for three days straight. Our resident human swept them up faithfully each day as is evidenced by the pile off to the side but Manny was insistent that he get ALL of the pecans and did not give up until he had successfully stowed them at undisclosed locations for the upcoming winter.

Taking some of the afore mentioned pecans and "hiding" them in the potted plants on the deck.

Bravely coming down from the tree in broad daylight.

Turning and seeing White Fluffy.

And realizing White Fluffy is behind a glass door and no longer poses a threat to him.

I am sorry to say that Ronnie the Rat is not as cute as Manny. He's much more brave and bold when it comes to meeting White Fluffy but has successfully evaded our resident human...until today. I have graciously posted no photographic evidence of Ronnie, but we do have a first hand account from a very reliable source:

"Well, I didn't know Ronnie was hanging around the house...I didn't even know he existed until one day I went to feed the cat and when I picked up the bag of food, cat food started falling out the bottom. Something had chewed a hole in the bottom of the bag...I knew right away it was a mouse (I found out later it was something MUCH worse!). I didn't want to believe it was true. I tried to think of a million other things it could be, but it didn't work. About a week later I was in bed and the cat was in bed with me when I heard something digging around in her food dish. The very next night I heard the ripping of paper coming from the kitchen. The brand new bag of cat food! I left it sitting on the floor! I tried to sneak up on what I thought was a mouse but it was too fast and it got away before I could get a glimpse of it. I knew I had to face my problem head on and call Terminator the Exterminator to get rid of it once and for all. Terminator came out today and set a trap in Ronnie's favorite closet (the hot water heater closet). When I got home 6 hours later, I took a peek inside the closet and there was Ronnie with his...head...stuck...I can't talk about it anymore...I'm probably going to have nightmares for a week!"

And there you have it folks...the war rages on but we will be victorious!

*Please do not be concerned for our resident human. We will be sending Terminator the Exterminator out tomorrow on a Priority 1 mission to dispose of Ronnie's dead carcass.*

Grandma and the Hamster

This summer I am taking my last course to complete my master's degree. Ironically, it is the first course that I have actually had to physically go to class for. My entire degree has been online until the very bitter end when I decided to take a storytelling class. As an assignment for this class, we had to collect a family story to share when we meet tomorrow, so naturally, I called my dad (in case you have never heard my dad tell a story, he's really quite good and I wish he could just go in my place tomorrow). And thus we come to the story of Grandma Johnson and the Hamster...*ahem*

When my dad was a kid, he wanted to buy his 3 siblings something for Christmas but he didn't have a whole lot of money. The Five and Dime store was selling hamsters for 50 cents so he decided he would get each of them a hamster. Well, of course hamsters are very prolific and have 8-10 babies every 6 weeks or so. By the time July rolled around they had like 40 hamsters and my grandmother was trying so hard to build cages for them to keep them separated to control the population but it was no use, they just kept reproducing. One of the hamsters was just plain mean. It would bite, escape from it's cage, eat it's own babies...it was just plain evil. My grandmother was really afraid that one day, this hamster was going to bite one of the neighborhood kids or do something dreadfully horrible so she decided she needed to get rid of it. She thought about flushing it down the toilet but then couldn't bear the thought of watching it's little face as it swirled down the drain. She thought about just letting it go outside, but what if it came back or one of the kids found it and brought it back? So she decided to suffocate it. She put in a Tide detergent box (it bit her through her rubber cleaning gloves when she reached in the cage to take it out, it was that mean) and took it out to the garage and started up the car. Then she put the opening of the box over the exhaust pipe of the car and nervously awaited the scratching and pawing inside the box to stop. When it did, she turned off the car and looked inside the box...no hamster. She ripped open the box and stuck her hand inside...no hamster. Well, she thought, it must have gotten out and escaped into the bushes or something...that's the end of it. Later that day, my Aunt Nancy comes home early from school because she had a dentist appointment. They go get in the car and as soon as Grandma starts the engine...POW!!! Nancy says she'll go check it out, but my grandmother insists that she stay in the car and she'll take care of whatever it was. Of course, it was the hamster. That thing had crawled all the way up the exhaust pipe and then was blown twenty feet out when the car was started. Since it was dead, grandma just kicked it into the bushes and never said a word about it. She told the kids it must have gotten out and run away or something and pretty soon after that, they ended up giving all of the hamsters and the cages to the pet store and that was the end of it. She never told a soul about what really happened to that hamster until 20 years later at Thanksgiving, when she had had a little too much wine and felt the need to confess.

Are Ya With Me?

So the theme for this blog will be my adventures in house hunting. Just so you know, I have found something and it is super duper cute but I am not going to post a picture or give you all the details just yet. I feel like I would be jinxing myself or something. It has happened extremely fast and has gone pretty much perfectly so I'm standing by because I know I'm going to have to pay my dues in trials and tribulations soon. Not that I'm trying to be pessimistic or miscount my blessings or anything, but I'm just not used to getting blessings for free. So pics and details will come when things are set in stone and I have fully signed my life away.

Okay, so lets use Elmer Fudd hunting as a metaphor for house hunting. You know how he always says, "Be vewy vewy quite. We are hunting wabbits!" or some nonsense like that? Well, this is how it went with house hunting: "Be vewy vewy qui--bang! Got it!" Yep, that fast. I looked at the house for the first time a week ago today. See why I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall?

My realtor is...interesting. First of all, I found my house, it was the first one I looked at, and I fell in love immediately. So all she has done really is the paperwork for which I will gladly pay her because I hate not only paperwork, but paper as well (including copy machines and sometimes printers). God invented computers for a reason and that reason is not so we can print off everything that we see on the computer. I'm just sayin'.
She also has this saying: "Are ya with me?" She'll say it after she explains something but leaves off the end. Like I'm supposed to guess what comes next or what she is meaning (which I rarely do but I always say yes so she won't go into further "Are ya with me?"s that will only confuse me more). After she says "Are ya with me?" she leans forward just a smidge and stares at me with her mouth half open and after a 2 second pause, she starts to nod her head like she sees that I understand. It's very odd behavior. I really wish someone was there to witness this with me, but alas, this is my burden to carry alone and you can all join in the fun when everything is finalized.

I ran into Ben today. He's gone a bit grizzly since our last encounter on Mother's Day. I was walking across the parking lot and I passed him. I didn't recognize him with his facial hair, but he said hello to me and asked me how I was and then turned around and walked with me claiming that he forgot where he parked (we have parking spaces on both sides of our building and he remembered that he parked in the other one so he had to go back through the building to the other side). He asked me how school was to which I replied that it was fine but it was also summer (which many many people forget...I don't know how you could forget that it is summer when it is 100 plus degrees and you literally start baking once you step outside, but people do). He then told me that he was going to go back to school to study law (last time it was oceanography) to which I replied "Great." and kept walking. We exchanged a few more pleasantries and then I said goodbye and went down my hall to my apartment door and he went the other way to the parking lot.
I'm gonna miss my interesting neighbors. I'll do a little spying when I move so I'll have something fun to blog about.

Oh, and my realtor gave me bumps today. You know, like fist bumps. I wasn't quite sure what to do when she put her fist in front of me. I guessed she wanted bumps, and luckily I guessed right. And it wasn't just one bump, it was three. Three bumps. I think she thought we got a good deal with the house.

And, (one more thing about the realtor) I told her I had a cat and for some reason she got in her head a picture of me with a glass of tea on the backporch with Millie whom she affectionately calls "Kitty". "Oh I can just picture you and Kitty out here after work drinking your glass of tea." "I can see that you're tired. You've been at work all day. You get home to Kitty and think about blah blah blah." "And Kitty can have her chair here." It's just too funny when she talks about Kitty that I don't have the heart to tell her that not only do I not drink tea but my cat gets no preferential treatment. "Kitty" has to fight for attention with the computer, my phone, the TV, an entire bookshelf of great literature, and my love of sleeping in.

HOLY FREAKING COW! I'M BUYING A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

It's The Crazy Cat Lady!

Yeah, that's me. I've tried to deny it for years, but tonight I think it finally came true. I have two cats and to protect their identity, we'll call them Satan and Psycho. Friends who know me and my cats will know exactly which one is which. This evening's blog is about Psycho mainly. She likes to do things that I do. For instance, while I am sitting at the computer, she often gets in my lap and stares at the screen like it is really interesting to her. She even tried to type on the keyboard today.



So tonight, I was cleaning up from last night's "half cleaning the apartment" episode and had the back door open. Psycho constantly likes to try to escape. Any time a door is open, she thinks she's going to go it on her own and live the life she was always meant to live, free and wild, with the wind in her face, chasing little critters and big dogs that are no match for her spry young body and sharp mind...except it is extremely terrifying for her and she literally loses her mind when she attempts this. Okay, so door is open, and Psycho jumps out onto the balcony. Usually I can tell her to get back in and she is afraid of "behavior modification" so she goes back in. This time, she thought otherwise and made a run for it. I tried to call her back, but she wouldn't come. I went out the front door and around and by that time, she had jumped onto the neighbor's porch thinking it was her own and was frantically trying to get back in. Luckily the neighbors weren't home, and as I'm standing there calling Psycho to come, a nice young couple walk up and offer their help (while the girl is giving a play by play to whoever she is talking to on the phone). The guy tries to get her off the porch, but Psycho is a crazy good jumper and literally flies over the balcony wall, over the bushes, and lands on the grass at a run and takes off toward two ladies walking their dogs. After I locate Psycho under a bush, just out of my reach, I try to get her to come to me but alas, she has already lost her mind and thinks I am there to do her great harm. So I get my arms all scratched up grabbing at her tail, legs, whatever I can grab onto so she won't take off again.

It wouldn't have been so bad if I had just had to go outside and grab the cat, but that's not how it played out. Psycho was loud. And I mean LOUD. She was (in her mind) in grave danger and needed help so she was meowing profusely and wouldn't answer my calls because I was the one (again in her mind) that put her in such danger. So not only did we have the nice helpful couple and the two ladies walking their dogs as witnesses to my crazy cat, but people came out on their porch to see what was going on. Let's just imagine their conversation for a moment: "What was that?" "Oh, just the cat lady that lives next door looking for her cat." "That was a cat? Geez, it sounded like something was dying." "Well, you know how cat people are." "Yeah, crazy."

When I do get her back inside, she at first ignores me and goes off to pout somewhere because she still thinks that I am a stranger that has kidnapped her and won't let her live her life of freedom. After a few minutes, she has regained her wits and is so happy to be at home again that she won't leave my side...until I open the door again.