Wednesday, March 19, 2008

What a Girl Wants

I recently read White Eyebrows' blog, Celebrating Singleness: Two Contrasting Articles, and I just want to say that I did have something to say about it, but 1) it took me a while to realize what it was, 2) I couldn't really put my finger on it because it wasn't so much about his blog, but about the article, Marry Him! (The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough), and 3) what I had to say needed it's own blog.
Basically, in this article, this woman tells the story of how she broke up with all of her boyfriends when she was in her 20s and early 30s, decided she really wanted a baby, chose to be a single mom by going to a sperm bank, and now regrets her choices and just wants another person around to help with the burden of childcare, thus making her case for settling.
Let me just make this very clear to all of you out there who care or don't care...
No, I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect...Mr. Perfect doesn't want anything to do with me. I mean, he hasn't even introduced himself yet (if I ever met Mr. Perfect, he would introduce himself because well, he's perfect.) Seriously though, if Mr. Perfect did want anything to do with me, he would have perfectly introduced himself to me at my perfect marrying age of 23 and we would be living our perfect lives making everyone else around us sick.
Okay, anyways, I'm not settling. After giving it some thought, here are the things I will not settle on:
1) He has to go with me to the temple. Not just to get married, but my hubby and I will be a temple attending couple.
2) He has to love me and I have to love him. I don't mean that I need flowers all the time or some huge stupid teddy bear at Valentine's or little hearts floating around on my screen saver or anything, but I just want someone that wants to be with me.
3) He has to make me laugh and I have to make him laugh. Anything else would just be depressing.
Everything else is either covered under one of these three things (like abuse...well, that wouldn't make me laugh, nor would he be going to the temple with such behavior so I won't settle for that), or is something that I can learn to live with and fall in love with.
Now, here's why I won't settle: I'm happy with my life right now. If I had to spend eternity with another person and they couldn't give me those three things, it would just be miserable. So, if I'm happy right now, why would I trade that in for misery? That's just it...I wouldn't. And even if I was unhappy, or if I become an unhappy person, I am the only person I need to please to make myself happy again.
So here's my advice to the Settling Lady who wrote that article: It's your own stupid fault for passing up all sorts of great guys because you "never viewed the world through quite the same lense" or you were "a half-note off". Don't counsel me that I should grab the first male that walks past me just because he has a heartbeat and sperm for my unborn children. If all you want is another warm body to help you take care of your kid, get a nanny!


Alison said...

I read that article too and you got the summary down PERFECTLY. I found it to be oppressively long and redundant and ridiculous. I would say that you hit the nail on the head about the three things that you won't settle on (I'd have to say those would be my three as well). I give those three a "here, here" *in pretentious British accent.* Yes, Rhia, this is why we are friends.

Emily Anne said...

My dear Rhia, settling is for whimps! There are men that fit your three requirements out there. I don't know any of them that are not married now, but I'll keep my eyes peeled for you.

Tamara said...

Two snaps up for that post, Rhia.

And two things I have to all the people who argue, whether explicitly or otherwise, that one should settle (most of whom, by the way, are conspicuously married for the most part):

1. did you settle on your spouse? If you did, that's just sad and it's your own dumb fault for picking an eternity of "barely tolerable" when it could have been awesome if you had exercised any patience.

2. If not, what right do you have to insist or even suggest that others should settle if you didn't haveto suffer the same date.

You'll notice that the woman who penned that article to which you refer is not pleasantly satisfied in a relationship she settled in, but rather is conjecturing about all the perks she'd be enjoying now had she chosen to settle back when...with no mention of all the drawbacks that would have lead to her inevitable misery and that her her child (not to mention her settled for spouse). So with that, and at the conclusion of my unsolicited novel, I say
"long live Rhia, be she single or otherwise!"

R Matthew Ware said...

Rhia, you're my hero in so many ways. Well, in just one way for this post, but it's a big way.

You simply can't get married to someone that doesn't satisfy you. I couldn't imagine it. Well, I could, and it isn't pretty. Here is my imagination:

You're sitting in bed one night, let's say six months into your married life. You're looking at the ceiling, unable to sleep. You have just realized that you don't love the person lying next to you and you can't see a way out. Your life goes on, because what is the choice? Since you know you never loved your spouse, you only settled, you start to look at other potential mates and think 'these people are better than the person I settled for. Had I only waited.'


I don't believe in 'the one' person you should marry, but Emily met my wants, and I met hers. And sometimes, like today, I'm reminded how much I love her, and am thrilled at the fact that she actually loves me.

Now, before you puke, I'll finish this. But you're my hero for not settling. Stay strong.

Amber said...

Never settle ... on anything. If it's in your power (which it is when it comes to choosing a help-mate) NEVER NEVER settle unless settling means settling down to a delightful evening. Or settling in on a cold winters night, with kerchief and hat for a long winters nap.

Yes, there are things to settle but not when it comes to mates.

U Da Bomb!

WhiteEyebrows said...

I agree with this 117%.

"Settling" has such a negative connotation. It connotes that you are accepting less than what you want.

I think what this article's author intended was that "settling" meant injecting a dose of reality into the Mr. Perfect image in some people's heads. People should expecting to marry a human (complete with their imperfections), and not some artificial idea.

Your response captures the essence of everyone's feeling that there are certain things that are non-negotiable, as there should be!

Anonymous said...

From the article...

"Even women who settle but end up divorced might be in a better position than those of us who became mothers on our own, because many ex-wives get both child-support payments and a free night off when the kids go to Dad’s house for a sleepover."

Flip this around... let's assume the laws are written such that men typically get the children. Women only get to have children on weekends, twice a month. Forget about child support... would you still get married if the laws were set up this way?

Men have to consider this possibility...

Dillender said...

I don't know you Rhia, but I know my sister and she has great things to say about you. I say KUDOS! Never settle when it comes to eternity. I like your qualifications. You stick with it and keep doing what you know to be good and right. My brother-in-law would fit if he didn't just recently fall in love again.