Speed Dating With Men I Would Never Date in a Million Years

As you may know, I recently attended a speed dating activity at church. Normally this is not my thing and I would have scoffed at such a lame activity (I think I actually have before) but I guess I decided I needed to get out of the house and meet people because I'm not going to meet Mr. Right watching re-runs of Glee and Lost in my jammies...sadly. It would be super cool if I did, because then we could just sit around in our jammies and watch Glee and Lost all the time and neither one of us would mind but anyways, back to the real world.

So for this activity, I went along with my two favorite Eri(ck)a's in the whole world: Porter and Torgerson. Initially the plan for this activity was to have two speed dating circles going, one for ages 31-49 and one for 50-death. There was just one little problem: there were lots of 31-49 women and few 31-49 men and there were lots of 50-death men and few 50-death women...so they combined us all. Super. But I still had hopes that I might at least get to spend 4 minutes with someone that I had something in common with that was at least within a 10 year age range from my own. (Caution: Spoiler Alert-That never happened.)

Okay, so here's how this speed dating thing worked: The women sat in an inner circle which faced outward and the men sat in the outer circle which faced inward and they rotated every 4 minutes while the women stayed where they were. I was asked an array of questions and when I reciprocated the question back to them, I got some super interesting answers. I mean I'll probably be stalking these guys on fb wishing we could get married someday. In all fairness though some of my answers were kind of lame and awkward and I wouldn't doubt it if they are telling their friends funny stories about me. Anyways, here's how it went:

First category: Animals
I was asked an array of animal questions oddly because Porter and Torgerson were not asked any and they were sitting on either side of me. I guess I just look like an animal lover.

Question: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Me: Ummm...maybe a dog because they are most loved by people (lame, I know...who wants to be a dog? Sorry, it just spewed forth)
Them: A dolphin because I just love the ocean and also dolphins are very intelligent.

Question: What animal or animals best describe you?
Me: Uhhhh...a cat I guess because they're pretty low key and come to you when they want attention. (Again lame, now I am the crazy cat lady.)
Them: I'm a cross between a hawk and a zebra. A hawk because I'm always aware of what is going on around me and a zebra because some people see a zebra as white with black stripes and some people see it as black with white stripes and everyone has their own opinions of me but I don't really care, I am what I am.

Question: Do you have any pets? (This was asked several times, so there are several responses)
Scenario 1:
Me: Yes, I have two cats.
Them: Oh, I bet you have no mice then.
Me: Uhhh...no my cats don't catch mice...they're not the mice catching kind
Them: Oh....
Me: (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid answer!)

Scenario 2:
Me: Yes, I have two cats. Do you have any pets?
Them: No, I have 3 kids.

Scenario 3:
Me: Yes, I have two cats. Do you have any pets?
Them: Well, I did but it just recently died.
Me: Oh, what kind of animal was it?
Them: A potbelly pig.
Me: Seriously?
Them: Yeah.
Me: Do you mind if I ask you a question that may or may not offend you, but did you have it slaughtered? (Could I be more idiotic?)
Them: Oh no, it was a family pet.

Scenario 4:
Me: Yes, I have two cats.
Them: Would you be willing to trade them for a smelly guy?
Me: Uhhhhh.....er.....
Them: It's okay you can be honest.
Me: Uhhhh...maybe?

Second Category: Job
For some there was no job and for some they actually did something besides engineer or software designer.

Question: What do you do for a living?

Scenario 1:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I'm a carpenter...like my older brother.

Scenario 2:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I'm retired.

Scenario 3:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I load and unload baggage from planes at the airport.
Me: Oh, cool. Do you ever have anybody's bags that just pop open and their stuff goes flying everywhere?
Them: Well, if someone doesn't claim their luggage and there's no tag on it, they take it out to the tarmac and blow it up.
Me: (Wha??) Oh...neat.

Third Category: Hobbies

Question: What kinds of books do you like to read?
Me: Historical fiction is my favorite but I read a variety of different genres.
Them: Sci-fi/Fantasy (I got this answer at least 3 different times)

Question: What do you like to do for fun?
Me: Read, travel, hang out with family and friends.
Them: Uhhhhh......

So, yeah, that was the main gist of the evening. I did meet a few men who were nice and interesting but they didn't seem too interested after 4 minutes either because of our age difference or some other reason. I probably said something stupid and weird to scare them off. Maybe if I keep going to these things, the age gap will lessen and when I'm about 45 or 50, I'll meet someone just as awkward and weird as me.

Is Anyone Alive Out There?

Tonight as I'm sitting here watching (well re-watching) Lost and doing stuff on the internets, I hear this crash on the side of the house. So, what do I do? Grab my flashlight and go investigate...at 12:30am...with no shoes on...with only a flashlight to protect me. Brilliant. It turned out to be something that I precariously stuck on a shelf in the garage that fell, but when I was coming back inside, I walked through spider webs. *shiver* And then it got me thinkin' that I guess the past few months/year or so has kind of been like that. I think one thing, go in the wrong direction, and then realize it was all caused by my laziness. No, I will not go into details, but suffice it to say, I haven't really felt much like writing, or really doing much of anything lately (well, it IS summer you know...), but tonight I felt like blogging again so now I will start blogging again. Cause that's how I roll.

Snowman Zombies!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the other day, DFW got dumped on by the Snow Gods. Yay! It was so fun! Most TX children's experiences with snow are watching the flakes fall and then melt. Sometimes it sticks and then they can build and miniature snowman that is comprised of 50% snow and 50% dirt and leaves. But this week was different! In my backyard, I got 6 inches of snow and in places further north, they got more. So what does everyone do when it snows that much? Of course we go out and build snowmen! And if you looked outside yesterday it was a winter wonderland with snowmen galore. But today, after things had started thawing out, their true colors came shining through and it felt a bit ominous driving down the street with dismembered and disfigured snow people staring at you as if they had eaten all the people that lived in the house and if you got out of your car, you were next! So I took a few pics with my phone (I wasn't getting out of the car) so you'd believe me...

As if he's leaning back giving an evil laugh...

They look friendly but...

Lost his head...

Weeeee-yerd!

Those valentine hearts are a ruse...

The horror!!!!

I have more pics on my fb photo album titled Snowman Zombies. It makes me afraid to go outside...

A Very Special Moment

Okay, so you know those stupid chain emails that are going around on facebook where you have to look at the long list of whatever and then type it in your status update with no explanation? You know, like the whole "type in your bra color and let's see how long it will take the men to figure it out so we can raise awareness for breast cancer" stuff. Well, there has been a few more going around and one that I discovered a bit too late.

The most recent one I have discovered is where people just put a fine amount in their status update, such as "My fine is $36" or something like that. Well, basically in the email it lists all of these sexual instances like if you've ever had sex in a certain place or with someone you shouldn't have, etc, and then after each one it has a fine amount. You are supposed to add up all of your "offenses" and post your fine as your status update.

Before I received this email, a friend of mine had posted that her fine was $420 and some change (that in itself was disturbing) and I smartly commented, "Please make your check payable to Rhia Johnson. Thank you for your business."
...

And welcome to my very special moment...

P.S. I did go back and post a semi-redeeming comment after I realized what I had done and it said, "Ok, do not make your check payable to me. I don't know who you make it payable to, but it ain't me."

The Advantages of Having A Cat That Likes You

So some of you may or may not know that I have recently acquired another feline child for my household. Oh crap...did I just say feline child? (cue crazy cat lady music now). Ok...weird. Anyways, my BFF Janette's cat Darcy didn't handle the whole baby-gets-more-attention-than-me situation and started doing naughty things such as peeing on baby's stuff. So one of them had to go and it wasn't the baby.

The only reason I accepted Darcy was because I knew Millie wouldn't issue an all out attack/assault like she did with the last poor homeless cat I took in since Millie and Darcy had been litterbox-mates when Janette and I lived together a few years back. As most or all of you know though, Millie can be...well...a satanic evil brat. For instance, she scratched me on my neck after I vacuumed her nasty cat bed and then tried to pick her up and put her on it. How could I be so cruel...

Darcy is a nice kitty though...and it's rather pleasant having a nice kitty that likes you 100% of the time. So, here are the advantages of having a cat that likes you (in no particular order):

1. Darcy has no claws, and you know how cats like to do that kneading thing? Well, if I lay on my stomach, Darcy will do that on my back. It's like getting a massage. Conclusion: cats that like you will give you a massage.

2. Darcy has gray hair and she sheds a lot. She sleeps with me and when I noticed the spot she was laying was starting to turn gray after a couple of days, I cleaned it and then put a towel on that spot. She always lays on the towel now. Conclusion: cats that like you know where their place is and stay there! (and they won't ruin your bedding)

3. Darcy comes when I call her. Conclusion: cats that like you come when you call them.

4. My backyard has somehow become Mecca for stray or outside cats in the neighborhood. If Darcy sees them through the back door, there is a moment of silence while she evaluates the threat and then if they get too close, she hisses and bats at the door. Conclusion: cats that like you will try to protect you, even if they have no claws.

5. If I pick Darcy up, she lets me hold her and then gently meows when she wants down. There is no flailing and panicking and scratching just because I picked her up. Seriously Millie, what do you think I'm going to do? Drop you? Cats land on their feet dum-dum! And really, after 12 years why can't I just pick you up? Ugh! Conclusion: cats that like you don't act like they are meeting their death just because you picked them up.

And just so you know I am not a crazy cat lady, when Millie dies, I will not have her creamated and put her ashes in a box to be displayed in the living room. She will be buried in the ground to give back to the earth all the grass that she eats and then promptly throws up.

Alright 2010, Let's Do This!

Sitting here at my computer, procastinating cleaning the disaster I call my house, I was reflecting on 2009 and all the things I did. And then I thought...wait, what did I do in 2009? I didn't go on any trips. I didn't accomplish any goals. I didn't even make any goals. I didn't complete (or start) any projects. I didn't better myself spiritually, physically, educationally, or in any other -ly. I think I actually quit more things that I started. I didn't...do anything!

I just sat here and waited for life to happen. And you know what? It did...it happened all around me and I sat here on my butt and watched it happen...to other people.

And then I felt a little sorry for myself.

And then I got mad.

And then I thought "Nu-uh! Homey don't play that!"

And then I said, "Alright 2010, let's do this...bring it!"

And I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do it.

Sound like a good plan? :) I think so.

kloveyoubye!

And the Saga Continues...

Ok well, this isn't really a saga, but you know how I wrote a few months ago about that teacher that kept pestering me about getting a new document camera that we so affectionately call an "Elmo"? Yeah...so the following is a true story...

We got four new ones in and the computer tech (we'll call her Mrs. B) told me who all they go to. (I know you are thinking to yourself, "Why is the computer tech telling the librarian who to take the tech carts to?" That is another boring story in and of itself.) Anyways, so inevitably, this teacher, the persistent annoying one, Mrs. A is supposed to get one, as well as a few other teachers. I decided to deliver Mrs. A's new document camera/projector cart last cause I was really hoping she would be gone and I could just leave it in her room. She wasn't. She was there...talking with another teacher. I open up her door and say, "Hey, I have your new projector and stuff.", and start coming in.

Mrs. A jumps up and says, "What? Me? Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS?"
Me: Yep
Mrs. A continues to jump...and run...and jump all over the room. "Oh my gosh! It's a Christmas miracle! Oh my gosh! I can't believe it! Oh my kids are gonna be so excited! Oh I'm so excited! It's Christmas! Santa came ya'll!" Mind you, she is literally jumping and hopping all over the place this whole time and she just keeps repeating all this stuff over and over and over again.
Then she does a superman dive onto a row of student desks and proceeds to roll over shaking and kicking her legs.
By this time I have made it past her into the room and really just want to get the old cart out of there as well as myself but I can't stop watching her act like someone who just won the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right...neither can the other teacher. We're just staring at her and I feel the whole time like her excitement should be contagious or something and I try to smile, really I do but the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable and I just want to escape and leave.
So I'm standing on the other side of the room trying to clean her stuff off the old cart so I can get the you know what out of there and she comes over to help and I end up getting hugged. Well then I feel even more uncomfortable because you should feel happy when someone hugs you, but I just got more annoyed. I mean, this whole idea of her getting new stuff wasn't mine. So I told her, "Uh...this wasn't my doing you know. You really need to thank Mrs. B. It was all her. Thank HER."
"Oh I will! Oh, I'm just so happy! When my kids come in tomorrow morning, I'm gonna say, 'Look you guys! Santa is real! He came!' And if you guys hear screams and hollers comin' down the hall, you know it's comin' from them!"
Right...your students could care less. Because this machine does the EXACT SAME JOB as the old one did. They aren't going to scream and holler. The only reason a kid would scream and holler would be because THEY got something and if they got a document camera and projector, they definitely wouldn't scream. If they got a Wii or an X-Box, they might scream. But they don't care about new educational materials.
Ok...rant over. She got her new stuff just like she wanted. She better treat it like it was her first born child...I'm just sayin'.