Turkeys!

This week I have been reading turkey/Thanksgiving stories to the kids when they come to the library. While reading to first grade, I gave them these paper turkey puppets so they could act out the story as we went along and then after they checked out a book, they could color them with markers (yeah, I know, I'm cool like that). So I tell them they can color their turkey however they want. I say, "If you want your turkey to be pink, color it pink. If you want your turkey to be yellow with blue polka dots, that's fine. You can make whatever kind of turkey your heart desires." Of course this just raises the coolness of the librarian. Nobody ever lets them do whatever they want. Well, one kid (we'll call him Bobby) raises his hand and asks me, "Can I put a hat on my turkey?" "Sure! Do whatever you want!" I shouldn't have said that...

About 5 minutes later, they are all sitting at the tables coloring away and Bobby turns around and tells me, "Look! I made a robber turkey!" "A robber turkey? Woooooooowwwww....", I say as I take a closer look. (I wish, I wish, I WISH I had taken a picture, but I didn't). His turkey is black (not like a African American, but the actual color black), except for his beak. The beak has small line of green and then clouds coming from the green line. It looked like his turkey was smoking weed. I know this is really bad, but I really wanted to laugh. I didn't though. I walked over to his teacher and said, "You need to go look at Bobby's turkey. I think it's smoking weed." She got this funny look on her face and then went over to Bobby and inspected his turkey. Then she took Bobby out in the hall for a few minutes and then came back in and asked if he could have another blank one so he could start over.

So during this Thanksgiving season, I am thankful that I am not a classroom teacher anymore. I just really love my job!

Goal #1 of the 2010-2011 School Year

Okay, so this school year, one of my goals was to bring my lunch every day so I could avoid paying $2 for a lunch from the cafeteria which provides little to no nutrition and is less than appetizing.

I made it two weeks.

Yesterday I bought my first school lunch and could barely choke down the frito pie. The corn I took one bite of and then decided I was done.

Today was "chicken" sandwich with mac and cheese and sliced apples. I managed to get the "chicken" sandwich down with half a bottle of Sunkist, the mac and cheese was okay but I just wasn't in the mood for it and the apples tasted like floor cleaner.

I wish Jamie Oliver would come to our school and do a food revolution. I'm sure he would have no opposition.

Erika's Theory: Put A Lid On It

Last week my good friend Porter and I were discussing dating, guys, and the universe in general when she shared her "Lids Theory" with me. It's something that she and her sister came up with (I am secretly jealous of the things she and her sister come up with) and so I asked her to type it up and I'd post it here for everyone in the internet world to read and consider. It rang true to me, but lets see how it sits with you...

Put A Lid On It by E.P.

Years ago, my sister and I noticed that the individuals we knew that walked to the beat of a different drummer seemed to find their “special someone” much sooner than, say…us…and other of our more normal friends. And, before you get up in arms, let me assure you that I realize that “normal” doesn’t really exist and that no one is normal. I recognize that everyone is a little crazy and life is about finding compatible psychosis. But for now, go with me on this.

We decided that it all comes back to the cliché: “There’s a pot for every lid.”

Imagine yourself a saucepan, and that you’re trying to find the lid in a jumbled box. Now, if you are a star-shaped pot, it’s much easier to find the star shaped lid in the box of round and rectangular lids. But, if you are a more well -rounded pot, it takes more time to find the right fit. Add to that the complexity of pot quality, metal composition, etc. and it’s no surprise that so many amazing people are still looking for their pots/lids! Maybe my pot’s stuck in a dishwasher somewhere…or in the middle of the stack in someone’s dark cupboard…

This is me being a...well...you know...you'll figure it out

This past weekend my friend Aibi and I went to the movies to see Scott Pilgrim (which is a very ingenius, original, not based off a book kind of movie...I liked it). Being the good movie conesuers that we are, we get there about 30 minutes early and find a spot at the coveted top row. After being there for about 15 minutes, this guy comes up and asks us if we wouldn't mind scooting over one seat. I do not like it when people ask me to move over one seat for friends that are not there, especially when there are other two seat spots in the theater, but Aibi is nice and she just moves to the other side of me. No big deal. Whatever.

About 10 minutes go by and it is now 5 minutes till the movie starts and this guy's friend finally shows up. Then she proceeds to tell him in a voice loud enough that half the theater can hear her, "We're sitting over there (and points to the other side of the theater, top row). I feel bad, like I should sit with her because she bought my ticket. I really hope you didn't ask anyone to move because you were saving a seat for me." He mumbles something (I'm not really paying attention) and she walks off.

Then she proceeds to start at the opposite end of our top row and asks people to move over one seat so she, her boyfriend, and this other girl, can all sit together. As she gets closer to us, Aibi realizes what she's doing and turns to look at me and I tell her very matter of factly, "I don't care what she's doing, if she asks us to move, I'm gonna say no." And then the following conversation ensues...

Girl: Hi, would you guys mind moving down one...

Me: No. We're not moving.

Girl: Oh, but if you could just move down one seat then..

Me: No. We're not moving. We've already moved down one seat for you guys, we're not moving again.

Girl: But it's just one seat.

Me: I don't care. We're not moving. This is where we are sitting and we are going to stay here.

Girl: (looooooooooooooooong pause) Seriously?

Me: Yeah, seriously. We're not moving.

Girl: (stands in front of us for about 30 seconds fuming. I couldn't see her face cause it was kind of dark, but I'd bet you anything she was fuming.) Fine!

Then she takes 3 steps to the guy that had asked us to move in the first place and says, "I don't care what you do, but I'm not sitting next to her!" as she points her finger at me, and then storms off down to the 4th from the bottom row and sits down. About 15 seconds after she storms off, her boyfriend goes down and joins her.

Now I feel that I should explain my reasons for refusing to move, because I do have them and no, it isn't just because I really really liked the exact seat I was sitting in.

Reason #1: I didn't like the way she talked to her boyfriend who was nice enough to find her a good spot in the theater. I mean, who snaps at their boyfriend for asking someone to move so he can save you a spot?

Reason #2: I didn't like that she was asking the entire back row to move over one seat. The entire row!!!! It just irked me.

Reason #3: Obviously there were other seats in the theater where they could sit together because they found them pretty quick.

And that's all. I'm sure I could have been nice and gone ahead and moved down. It wouldn't have hurt anything but I just couldn't bring myself to give in and let this girl have her way.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Get Lost!

Okay, so as most of you know, I am a huge, HUGE Lost fan. I am also super nerdy and tend to over-indulge myself in my obsessions. So is it any surprise that I have spent a fair amount of time this summer re-watching the entire series? Well, if it is then I am surprised that you are surprised. I know you all might not be as into Lost as I am or you may not even be into Lost at all, but I just thought I would share one of my most favoritist Lost moments that happened in Season 1. And this is also the reason why I love Jack so much.

My Heart's Desire...

...is to be Evangeline Lily in this photo...oh what I wouldn't give... *sigh*

Speed Dating With Men I Would Never Date in a Million Years

As you may know, I recently attended a speed dating activity at church. Normally this is not my thing and I would have scoffed at such a lame activity (I think I actually have before) but I guess I decided I needed to get out of the house and meet people because I'm not going to meet Mr. Right watching re-runs of Glee and Lost in my jammies...sadly. It would be super cool if I did, because then we could just sit around in our jammies and watch Glee and Lost all the time and neither one of us would mind but anyways, back to the real world.

So for this activity, I went along with my two favorite Eri(ck)a's in the whole world: Porter and Torgerson. Initially the plan for this activity was to have two speed dating circles going, one for ages 31-49 and one for 50-death. There was just one little problem: there were lots of 31-49 women and few 31-49 men and there were lots of 50-death men and few 50-death women...so they combined us all. Super. But I still had hopes that I might at least get to spend 4 minutes with someone that I had something in common with that was at least within a 10 year age range from my own. (Caution: Spoiler Alert-That never happened.)

Okay, so here's how this speed dating thing worked: The women sat in an inner circle which faced outward and the men sat in the outer circle which faced inward and they rotated every 4 minutes while the women stayed where they were. I was asked an array of questions and when I reciprocated the question back to them, I got some super interesting answers. I mean I'll probably be stalking these guys on fb wishing we could get married someday. In all fairness though some of my answers were kind of lame and awkward and I wouldn't doubt it if they are telling their friends funny stories about me. Anyways, here's how it went:

First category: Animals
I was asked an array of animal questions oddly because Porter and Torgerson were not asked any and they were sitting on either side of me. I guess I just look like an animal lover.

Question: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Me: Ummm...maybe a dog because they are most loved by people (lame, I know...who wants to be a dog? Sorry, it just spewed forth)
Them: A dolphin because I just love the ocean and also dolphins are very intelligent.

Question: What animal or animals best describe you?
Me: Uhhhh...a cat I guess because they're pretty low key and come to you when they want attention. (Again lame, now I am the crazy cat lady.)
Them: I'm a cross between a hawk and a zebra. A hawk because I'm always aware of what is going on around me and a zebra because some people see a zebra as white with black stripes and some people see it as black with white stripes and everyone has their own opinions of me but I don't really care, I am what I am.

Question: Do you have any pets? (This was asked several times, so there are several responses)
Scenario 1:
Me: Yes, I have two cats.
Them: Oh, I bet you have no mice then.
Me: Uhhh...no my cats don't catch mice...they're not the mice catching kind
Them: Oh....
Me: (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid answer!)

Scenario 2:
Me: Yes, I have two cats. Do you have any pets?
Them: No, I have 3 kids.

Scenario 3:
Me: Yes, I have two cats. Do you have any pets?
Them: Well, I did but it just recently died.
Me: Oh, what kind of animal was it?
Them: A potbelly pig.
Me: Seriously?
Them: Yeah.
Me: Do you mind if I ask you a question that may or may not offend you, but did you have it slaughtered? (Could I be more idiotic?)
Them: Oh no, it was a family pet.

Scenario 4:
Me: Yes, I have two cats.
Them: Would you be willing to trade them for a smelly guy?
Me: Uhhhhh.....er.....
Them: It's okay you can be honest.
Me: Uhhhh...maybe?

Second Category: Job
For some there was no job and for some they actually did something besides engineer or software designer.

Question: What do you do for a living?

Scenario 1:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I'm a carpenter...like my older brother.

Scenario 2:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I'm retired.

Scenario 3:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I load and unload baggage from planes at the airport.
Me: Oh, cool. Do you ever have anybody's bags that just pop open and their stuff goes flying everywhere?
Them: Well, if someone doesn't claim their luggage and there's no tag on it, they take it out to the tarmac and blow it up.
Me: (Wha??) Oh...neat.

Third Category: Hobbies

Question: What kinds of books do you like to read?
Me: Historical fiction is my favorite but I read a variety of different genres.
Them: Sci-fi/Fantasy (I got this answer at least 3 different times)

Question: What do you like to do for fun?
Me: Read, travel, hang out with family and friends.
Them: Uhhhhh......

So, yeah, that was the main gist of the evening. I did meet a few men who were nice and interesting but they didn't seem too interested after 4 minutes either because of our age difference or some other reason. I probably said something stupid and weird to scare them off. Maybe if I keep going to these things, the age gap will lessen and when I'm about 45 or 50, I'll meet someone just as awkward and weird as me.

Is Anyone Alive Out There?

Tonight as I'm sitting here watching (well re-watching) Lost and doing stuff on the internets, I hear this crash on the side of the house. So, what do I do? Grab my flashlight and go investigate...at 12:30am...with no shoes on...with only a flashlight to protect me. Brilliant. It turned out to be something that I precariously stuck on a shelf in the garage that fell, but when I was coming back inside, I walked through spider webs. *shiver* And then it got me thinkin' that I guess the past few months/year or so has kind of been like that. I think one thing, go in the wrong direction, and then realize it was all caused by my laziness. No, I will not go into details, but suffice it to say, I haven't really felt much like writing, or really doing much of anything lately (well, it IS summer you know...), but tonight I felt like blogging again so now I will start blogging again. Cause that's how I roll.

Snowman Zombies!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the other day, DFW got dumped on by the Snow Gods. Yay! It was so fun! Most TX children's experiences with snow are watching the flakes fall and then melt. Sometimes it sticks and then they can build and miniature snowman that is comprised of 50% snow and 50% dirt and leaves. But this week was different! In my backyard, I got 6 inches of snow and in places further north, they got more. So what does everyone do when it snows that much? Of course we go out and build snowmen! And if you looked outside yesterday it was a winter wonderland with snowmen galore. But today, after things had started thawing out, their true colors came shining through and it felt a bit ominous driving down the street with dismembered and disfigured snow people staring at you as if they had eaten all the people that lived in the house and if you got out of your car, you were next! So I took a few pics with my phone (I wasn't getting out of the car) so you'd believe me...

As if he's leaning back giving an evil laugh...

They look friendly but...

Lost his head...

Weeeee-yerd!

Those valentine hearts are a ruse...

The horror!!!!

I have more pics on my fb photo album titled Snowman Zombies. It makes me afraid to go outside...

A Very Special Moment

Okay, so you know those stupid chain emails that are going around on facebook where you have to look at the long list of whatever and then type it in your status update with no explanation? You know, like the whole "type in your bra color and let's see how long it will take the men to figure it out so we can raise awareness for breast cancer" stuff. Well, there has been a few more going around and one that I discovered a bit too late.

The most recent one I have discovered is where people just put a fine amount in their status update, such as "My fine is $36" or something like that. Well, basically in the email it lists all of these sexual instances like if you've ever had sex in a certain place or with someone you shouldn't have, etc, and then after each one it has a fine amount. You are supposed to add up all of your "offenses" and post your fine as your status update.

Before I received this email, a friend of mine had posted that her fine was $420 and some change (that in itself was disturbing) and I smartly commented, "Please make your check payable to Rhia Johnson. Thank you for your business."
...

And welcome to my very special moment...

P.S. I did go back and post a semi-redeeming comment after I realized what I had done and it said, "Ok, do not make your check payable to me. I don't know who you make it payable to, but it ain't me."

The Advantages of Having A Cat That Likes You

So some of you may or may not know that I have recently acquired another feline child for my household. Oh crap...did I just say feline child? (cue crazy cat lady music now). Ok...weird. Anyways, my BFF Janette's cat Darcy didn't handle the whole baby-gets-more-attention-than-me situation and started doing naughty things such as peeing on baby's stuff. So one of them had to go and it wasn't the baby.

The only reason I accepted Darcy was because I knew Millie wouldn't issue an all out attack/assault like she did with the last poor homeless cat I took in since Millie and Darcy had been litterbox-mates when Janette and I lived together a few years back. As most or all of you know though, Millie can be...well...a satanic evil brat. For instance, she scratched me on my neck after I vacuumed her nasty cat bed and then tried to pick her up and put her on it. How could I be so cruel...

Darcy is a nice kitty though...and it's rather pleasant having a nice kitty that likes you 100% of the time. So, here are the advantages of having a cat that likes you (in no particular order):

1. Darcy has no claws, and you know how cats like to do that kneading thing? Well, if I lay on my stomach, Darcy will do that on my back. It's like getting a massage. Conclusion: cats that like you will give you a massage.

2. Darcy has gray hair and she sheds a lot. She sleeps with me and when I noticed the spot she was laying was starting to turn gray after a couple of days, I cleaned it and then put a towel on that spot. She always lays on the towel now. Conclusion: cats that like you know where their place is and stay there! (and they won't ruin your bedding)

3. Darcy comes when I call her. Conclusion: cats that like you come when you call them.

4. My backyard has somehow become Mecca for stray or outside cats in the neighborhood. If Darcy sees them through the back door, there is a moment of silence while she evaluates the threat and then if they get too close, she hisses and bats at the door. Conclusion: cats that like you will try to protect you, even if they have no claws.

5. If I pick Darcy up, she lets me hold her and then gently meows when she wants down. There is no flailing and panicking and scratching just because I picked her up. Seriously Millie, what do you think I'm going to do? Drop you? Cats land on their feet dum-dum! And really, after 12 years why can't I just pick you up? Ugh! Conclusion: cats that like you don't act like they are meeting their death just because you picked them up.

And just so you know I am not a crazy cat lady, when Millie dies, I will not have her creamated and put her ashes in a box to be displayed in the living room. She will be buried in the ground to give back to the earth all the grass that she eats and then promptly throws up.

Alright 2010, Let's Do This!

Sitting here at my computer, procastinating cleaning the disaster I call my house, I was reflecting on 2009 and all the things I did. And then I thought...wait, what did I do in 2009? I didn't go on any trips. I didn't accomplish any goals. I didn't even make any goals. I didn't complete (or start) any projects. I didn't better myself spiritually, physically, educationally, or in any other -ly. I think I actually quit more things that I started. I didn't...do anything!

I just sat here and waited for life to happen. And you know what? It did...it happened all around me and I sat here on my butt and watched it happen...to other people.

And then I felt a little sorry for myself.

And then I got mad.

And then I thought "Nu-uh! Homey don't play that!"

And then I said, "Alright 2010, let's do this...bring it!"

And I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do it.

Sound like a good plan? :) I think so.

kloveyoubye!