Before you say, "Yeah right." Just hear me out...
As a single person, over the years I have heard my friends say things such as:
"What's wrong with me? Why don't guys/girls like me?"
"I don't know what is wrong with those guys/girls in your ward."
"There's a reason why so-and-so isn't married..."
And then my absolute favorite:
"I don't understand why you're not married."...which we'll get to later.
Now let me just tell you this:
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!
Trust me, I've tried to figure it out and I've tried to fix everything...EVERYTHING, and nothing works. You know why? Because nothing is broken. I have thought that if I was:
more athletic
more politically minded
a good rollerblader (yeah, I really thought that once)
good at sports
better at managing money
healthier
prettier
skinnier
quieter
louder
funnier
smarter
dumber
less worried
more worried
less paranoid
more paranoid
more grown-up
more childlike
more churchy
even less churchy
etc...etc...etc...
...that he would find me more interesting, and the truth is, even though I tried to be all of those things at one time or another, it never worked. I even tried repenting once. Yes, I repented for still being single...guess what? That didn't work either...cause I didn't do anything wrong.
On the reverse side, it drives me nuts when people mutter, "What is wrong with guys these days?" Uh, just because they are not all beating down my door with marraige proposals doesn't mean that there is something wrong with all of them. I would think it highly weird if all the guys I knew were constantly trying to date me. Plus, I would loose a whole lotta friends. You can't blame an entire gender just because the one or two that you like doesn't like you back. Remember that we get to choose, and you are not always the right choice for someone else nor are they always the right choice for you.
Okay, next point: "I don't understand why you're not married." Really? Cause guess what? Neither do I. I'm not actually doing anything that would keep me from being in a relationship with someone...I'm not doing anything wrong either. The only thing I can figure out is that it's not my time yet. It's just not my turn. Heavenly Father has an order and a reason for everything and he hasn't forgotten about all of us, he's just gettin' things ready.
Sometimes I feel like that whiny kid that wants a reason for everything you ask him/her to do. You know, the one that you just get so fed up with and then turn around and yell at them, "Because I told you to!" Yeah, that's me...the whiny kid. But HF never yells at me...ever.
Now, before you go off thinking, "Whatever, you have no idea what I'm going through." or "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before." or "You don't have any room to be talkin'." Yes, I do. I have football fields of room in the boat that I was in with loads of other people who all got out one by one and went off to snag boyfriends, get married, and have babies. I'm not married. I ain't got no babies. There's nobody in my life to reassure me that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, blah, blah, blah. And I'm freakin' bailing water out of that boat with a teacup every day. So there.
So, who will you listen to?
Satan: "Hmmm...sorry. You just aren't good enough to make the Married's Team. :( Maybe next year, honey."
or
Heavenly Father: "I'm working on it...this is going to be so good! You are going to love it...I promise!"
7 comments:
I agree with the entire post with an enthusiastic "here, here" *in a pretentious British accent*, but I would like to add one thing:
You have to admit, dating is not like it use to be. My parents and even my sisters (who are just about a generation behind me) dated waaaaaay more than most people I know now. That's how you got to know people. Now, you're just expected to get to know someone whenever you have a chance as you're hanging out with a group of people. What? When did this happen? And why has dating someone turned into an Olympic sport that only the few and the proud participate in when they're ready to get married?
And I submit to you my friend, who is in charge of asking people out? Guys. Sorry, but on some level I do think a lot (not ALL) have been slackin' on the dating. They don't want to put on the big boy pants and cowboy up (until maybe the perfect person comes along). Some are lazy, some give dating way more emphasis than they should and psych themselves out, and some (very few of them) think the LDS version of Pam Anderson is going to walk through the door and say, "Oh my gosh! He's hot. I'm going to hang all over him and hope he marries me." My point is, I definitely think you need to WANT to date someone (like you said--feelings that aren't there, just aren't there and you can't help that) so not everyone is going to want to beat down your door.
But I find it very hard to believe that my door, your door, a vast number of female doors are never even approached or lightly tapped on from time to time. I don't expect my door to be beat down, but I do expect visitors from time to time (ones that I want to receive as well as others that I maybe was not expecting). Cause seriously?, NO ONE out of 300 people wants to at least see what could happen? What gives? It may not be my time to get married, which is fine, but that doesn't mean I don't want to have some fun along the way either. Life isn't fair, and my dating life is solid proof of that (and apparently, so is yours).
The reality is we can't change people, we can just try to be positive about things. :) You're right, who likes to endure the pouty kid anyway? :)
P.S. I do love men. Please do not mistake my razor-sharp tongue for contempt for all men, just a general observance of a stereotypical group of guys.
I'll listen to Rhia ;)
I wonder how much time is wasted by worrying about things you can't control.
And Alison, I got supremely lucky that everything went right at the right time, because left to my own devices, I would have never gotten married. Whenever I had a girl I liked, I would get so psyched out and almost have a panic attack. That kind of cuts down on dating. But I was a really good friend if I wasn't trying to ask someone out.
So, for the two of you, there's nothing wrong with you. For me, I was a coward. And I guess God knew it :)
I totally agree with everyone. Alison and Rhia your observations are right on. I've been reading your blogs for some time and whenever you post about being single and your struggles with that I wished that we lived closer to each other so we could commiserate. (I don't know if I spelled that right.)
Matt, thanks for being a friend.
I love you and don't think there is anything wrong with you. You are just so amazing that Heavenly Father has to beat some guys into shape before they can be good enough for you!
I give you an "Amen" with the "praise the Lord" hands' wave.
From one of those who "got married later in life" and endured endless barrage after endless barrage of "are you just being too picky?" I have this to say. Rock on with your single self. Marriage is superbly wonderful but it wouldn't have been if I just married some dude I finally talked into settling down. I can't wait to see the dude that actually deserves you Rhia.
Hello Rhia,
I am LDS and came across your blog after a recent search for Dallas LDS YSA.
A little background...
I grew up in a family that has been "less active" almost half of my lifetime. Growing up, I struggled going to church alone, sitting alone and following the commandments on my own. But what made it easier was, imagining the happiness I would one day have when I found my eternal wife and had the opportunity to sit with my very own children - together.
And so, after reading a few of your posts, and specifically this one, I was compelled to write. I am single, 29 and a male!
(FYI....my comment, wont necessarily have a point, but I hope you'll welcome me sharing a few truths that I've experienced).
I have dated, and I have dated plenty. Before any assumptions are made, I'll be totally candid and tell you, I'm not the male equivalent of an LDS Pamela Anderson (as you so eloquently wrote in another post...hehe...), but neither am I the unsightly horror ready for halloween in an instant.
I have a large group of friends, and for the sake of any curiosity on your behalf, some rated me between 8 to 9 (but that's another story). Regardless of opinions, my selection in dating has truly been equal in respect to physically "hot" or "ugly", tall or short, quiet or loud, funny or serious, athletic or not, etc. Even my best friend (married), to this day comments on that fact. So yes, I agree changing wont work, and I do relate to the "too picky" comment. I get it all the time from people that don't know how open I've been.
Most of my dating/relationships took place when I was a bit younger, as I needed to (and naturally) was in the discovery stages of my life, and didn't quite know what I wanted. Nowadays I date far less, but it's not because I anxiously await Pamela Anderson. Instead, it is simply because I feel she is not here or perhaps I am not in the right place, or perhaps the whole timing thing.
On the other hand, I do admit that a small part of it (for me in the past) was due to fear of falling in love and being hurt again. I promise you, some guys, sometimes want to be a part of a group only because it is a preventative measure from being hurt. And so, they might just prefer to get to know you first - before asking for a date. Is that fair? I think it is. Especially since many girls I know have said they have done the same.
I don't deny that some guys ARE looking for Pamela or are cowards, but not all of us are. I just want to get to know her a little BEFORE we date. Does that make sense?
For your sake, (I'm joking of course, but...) maybe I should date you! Every girl I have ever dated, is now happily married. Try living with that one!! =) Especially knowing that they ALL married the guy they dated after me!! Seriously! (AND worst is my friends never fail to remind me about that!)
So good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself! Just be sure to change things in your life for yourself, not for others to notice. I tried that too, and we hear it all the time, but as you and I have both experienced, it doesnt work anyway.
And finally, if anything, I hope my comment will at least rub off on you in a positive way, and that you find rescue from that boat your in.
- Another Lone Sailor
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