Sunday, July 11, 2010

Speed Dating With Men I Would Never Date in a Million Years

As you may know, I recently attended a speed dating activity at church. Normally this is not my thing and I would have scoffed at such a lame activity (I think I actually have before) but I guess I decided I needed to get out of the house and meet people because I'm not going to meet Mr. Right watching re-runs of Glee and Lost in my jammies...sadly. It would be super cool if I did, because then we could just sit around in our jammies and watch Glee and Lost all the time and neither one of us would mind but anyways, back to the real world.

So for this activity, I went along with my two favorite Eri(ck)a's in the whole world: Porter and Torgerson. Initially the plan for this activity was to have two speed dating circles going, one for ages 31-49 and one for 50-death. There was just one little problem: there were lots of 31-49 women and few 31-49 men and there were lots of 50-death men and few 50-death they combined us all. Super. But I still had hopes that I might at least get to spend 4 minutes with someone that I had something in common with that was at least within a 10 year age range from my own. (Caution: Spoiler Alert-That never happened.)

Okay, so here's how this speed dating thing worked: The women sat in an inner circle which faced outward and the men sat in the outer circle which faced inward and they rotated every 4 minutes while the women stayed where they were. I was asked an array of questions and when I reciprocated the question back to them, I got some super interesting answers. I mean I'll probably be stalking these guys on fb wishing we could get married someday. In all fairness though some of my answers were kind of lame and awkward and I wouldn't doubt it if they are telling their friends funny stories about me. Anyways, here's how it went:

First category: Animals
I was asked an array of animal questions oddly because Porter and Torgerson were not asked any and they were sitting on either side of me. I guess I just look like an animal lover.

Question: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Me: Ummm...maybe a dog because they are most loved by people (lame, I know...who wants to be a dog? Sorry, it just spewed forth)
Them: A dolphin because I just love the ocean and also dolphins are very intelligent.

Question: What animal or animals best describe you?
Me: Uhhhh...a cat I guess because they're pretty low key and come to you when they want attention. (Again lame, now I am the crazy cat lady.)
Them: I'm a cross between a hawk and a zebra. A hawk because I'm always aware of what is going on around me and a zebra because some people see a zebra as white with black stripes and some people see it as black with white stripes and everyone has their own opinions of me but I don't really care, I am what I am.

Question: Do you have any pets? (This was asked several times, so there are several responses)
Scenario 1:
Me: Yes, I have two cats.
Them: Oh, I bet you have no mice then.
Me: my cats don't catch mice...they're not the mice catching kind
Them: Oh....
Me: (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid answer!)

Scenario 2:
Me: Yes, I have two cats. Do you have any pets?
Them: No, I have 3 kids.

Scenario 3:
Me: Yes, I have two cats. Do you have any pets?
Them: Well, I did but it just recently died.
Me: Oh, what kind of animal was it?
Them: A potbelly pig.
Me: Seriously?
Them: Yeah.
Me: Do you mind if I ask you a question that may or may not offend you, but did you have it slaughtered? (Could I be more idiotic?)
Them: Oh no, it was a family pet.

Scenario 4:
Me: Yes, I have two cats.
Them: Would you be willing to trade them for a smelly guy?
Them: It's okay you can be honest.
Me: Uhhhh...maybe?

Second Category: Job
For some there was no job and for some they actually did something besides engineer or software designer.

Question: What do you do for a living?

Scenario 1:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I'm a my older brother.

Scenario 2:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I'm retired.

Scenario 3:
Me: I'm a librarian at an elementary school.
Them: I load and unload baggage from planes at the airport.
Me: Oh, cool. Do you ever have anybody's bags that just pop open and their stuff goes flying everywhere?
Them: Well, if someone doesn't claim their luggage and there's no tag on it, they take it out to the tarmac and blow it up.
Me: (Wha??) Oh...neat.

Third Category: Hobbies

Question: What kinds of books do you like to read?
Me: Historical fiction is my favorite but I read a variety of different genres.
Them: Sci-fi/Fantasy (I got this answer at least 3 different times)

Question: What do you like to do for fun?
Me: Read, travel, hang out with family and friends.
Them: Uhhhhh......

So, yeah, that was the main gist of the evening. I did meet a few men who were nice and interesting but they didn't seem too interested after 4 minutes either because of our age difference or some other reason. I probably said something stupid and weird to scare them off. Maybe if I keep going to these things, the age gap will lessen and when I'm about 45 or 50, I'll meet someone just as awkward and weird as me.


Jessica said...

Way to go for going! You probably scored points with the dating referees. Sorry it wasn't fruitful.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I've speed dated a lot, and I've never heard so many animal questions. Were you perhaps wearing some clothes with animals on them?

WhiteEyebrows said...

Ok, the part about slaughtering the family pet made me laugh out loud at work. Sad that times are tough out there, but way to put yourself out there.

Rhia Jean said...

WE, it was on the minds since I had just watched an episode of The Fabulous Beekman Boys where they had to slaughter their pigs Porky and made me a little sad...and then it spewed forth from my mouth.

Speeddatinggirl, yes, I was wearing my jumper with little kittens playing with yarn printed all over it.

Miss Nesbit said...

Ummm why would you ask someone if they slaughtered their pet? Dang Rhia. Now I need to hear Porter's stories cause it sounds like this activity produced a treasure trove!

Allie said...

I totally would have asked the slaughtered thing, and not to be rude but hello what a waste! Anyway I guess I am just insensitive. Some day I want Brian to be a carpenter so he can use that line... hello awkward. ok that may be just me but I'm just sayin.....

Marisa said...

You must absolutely, under no circumstances, ever trade your cats for a man! They (the cats) may save your sanity one day. And I had a feeling that's what the airport workers did with luggage...

Jen said...

Hysterical!!! Thank you for sacrificing an evening of your time so that we could be so entertained by your blog. The good news is that even IT guys who read scifi enjoy watching reruns of Glee in their PJ's.

Alison said...

I LOVED the slaughtered question! And the carpenter comment is a groaner. Uh.